I've been thinking about what I want to say for a few days. How to sum it up. How to adequately express all that goes on in adoption. What I am feeling about 1 year of waiting (just a quick recap, when we started this process our estimated wait was around 9 months) I just can't seem to make words out of all that is going on in my head and heart so until those words come...
I would have to say it is very difficult to explain unless you have experienced it just because it is such a unique set of emotions. I also know that there are so many more emotions I have yet to even experience on this side of things. How much more all of this will intensify once we actually see his face. I was talking with a friend yesterday ;) and we talked about how some days you feel hopeful and some days you feel the weight of it all with such force and heaviness. I suspect that we will always carry around that weight though in some way.
On the night of our 1 year anniversary we headed to our hometown to get ready for thanksgiving with family, so we didn't "do" anything to celebrate. I have to say though the best possible way to have that day celebrated came in the form of an e-mail. It was from my friend Tiffany. She and her husband helped start the orphan care ministry at Summit and they are also in our agency. They received a referral for a 4 year old little girl from Ethiopia after 22 months on the waitlist!!! woo hoo!! What sweet and precious news that there is another child who is no longer an orphan but a daughter. Isn't the Lord's timing just amazing. I doubt she knew that night was our 1 year anniversary of waiting and I KNOW that she didn't plan the referral time! I don't know if you're reading Tiffany but if you are thank you again! what an encouragement that was and just what I needed to spur me on in this next year of waiting.
Within those next 24 hours it hit me. I woke up at 4am and could not go back to sleep just thinking about him. Our son could likely be already in Gladney's care. Of course I think about him and pray for him but it has always been in the context that I don't know where he is but please Lord keep him safe and healthy. My prayers are changing. With the length of Ethiopian adoptions ever growing children are institutionalized for longer periods of time while all their paperwork etc gets sorted out. You see this past year at created for care I felt the Lord clearly tell me that Silas was alive. This wasn't something that I wanted to share before now just because, I don't know, it felt so deeply personal. I didn't understand in what capacity whether he was in-utero, just born, or just alive in my heart (as corny as that sounds, but I was trying to think of all possible scenarios!) but now it seems to all make sense. The Lord was preparing me and us. Remember this post about changing our age range? Well I know that that was part of it. I feel that the Lord has exciting things for us in 2013 so will you pray with me that this is the year we meet our child? and thanks for following along on this crazy wild ride friends :)