Wednesday, March 21, 2012

4 months

Since this is a documentation of sorts for us along our journey, I have been describing how each month has been for us during this wait, how we're feeling etc. so this month, well it's not sunshiney, just a warning a whole lot a whining, but it helps to get it all out so I guess blogger - you are my therapist and I'm stretching out on your leathery couch and spilling my guts.

Welp, honeymoon's over folks... for whatever reason this week it has hit me H.A.R.D.  Just keepin it real here. Adoption truly is a roller coaster and I hope that next month I will be back up at the top again ready to take on the wait with more grace.  But this week I have been very very discouraged.

I think coming to terms with the fact that we have a very long wait ahead of still, coupled with the fact that I think I was being somewhat naive as to how much we still have to go.  I was thinking we might have a referral by next summer.  Well that very likely will not even happen.  Right now there are only between 2-5 referrals a month if that pace keeps up we're looking at at least another 19ish months.  I don't know why I haven't put it all together, I guess just wishful thinking that maybe we would be an exception that things would be faster for "us" since our parameters are not for an infant but that is just not the case. 

It also seems like I have heard nothing but bad news coming from different adoptions that we know of, not only that but almost anyone that is adopting has had a hard time or will face a difficult challenge at some point.  I had heard this was going to be hard and I knew it.  We've experienced some of the hard, but I think I'm just at the point where I'm wondering if there can be as much good news as there seems to be bad (although hearing of our friends getting submitted to embassy was some light in the darkness that I am so very thankful for!).  Is there anything easy in this? These challenges that friends are facing, well, they're not small, these are big, gut wrenching, hard, ugly, tearful hurdles that have to be overcome or at least trying to find a way through.  No, nothing about this is easy, nothing.  So I don't know why this week it feels like I got punched in the gut, but it does nonetheless. 

The thought that I might not be a mom for another 2 years is hard to swallow.  I didn't think it would come to this.  To know that we are supposed to be doing this, we have been affirmed by Christ that this is right for us and yet wondering what his plan and purpose is at the same time.  When we started this process the wait was about 9 months, nine. What happened you ask?  if you haven't been following along a whole bunch of stuff happened in Ethiopia that caused it to slow down, namely new regulations and requirements.  and while these things were put into place to protect children which should be done, I just wish they could find a quicker way to make them happen so that these children who desperately need families with moms and dad's can make their way home.

As the wait lengthens I also think about what people must think of us, petty I know, but I feel like it becomes so ambiguous, oh this adoption that they've been talking about for a year and a half.  Is it really happening?  For some members of our families I feel like it is forgotten like it isn't real and that makes me sad too.  On the other end of the spectrum though there is a balance, it would get very difficult if people ask you about your adoption all the time and you have nothing to report for 19 looooong months.  so as you can see a lot of conflicting emotions and confusion. 

I know that this is all compounded by the fact that Adam and I are desiring to move and for him to find a ministry related job.  It's what the Lord has called him to and why he completed seminary.  Now that we're only 2 months away from being able to sell our house (b/c of the whole first time home buyers tax credit had to stay in our crib for 3 years to the date) we just thought that we would be approaching the time where we could put our house on the market.  Well there is no job on the horizon... nada... don't get me wrong we are VERY thankful that we both have stable jobs currently it's just not the desire of our hearts and how we feel like that Lord wants to use us long term.  We are ready to move on to the next thing that he has for us and yet I feel like he has forgotten us here.  I know this is not the case but sometimes in the middle of it all it's hard to see the big picture.  So praying for the Lord to humble me, to help me get over my wants and desires and be happy with where he has us now.  To know more fully that he has a plan.  a plan for all of this beautiful mess that is adoption.


11 comments:

  1. love you friend... and i love knowing where you are (in the highs and lows). praying for you.

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  2. This is a hard season! Praying for you as you look ahead to the long wait, and also as you wait on the job and house stuff. Praying peace for you as you trust in God's sovereignty. Love you!

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  3. Praying for you!! I can't begin to imagine what this journey is like, but bless you and Adam for following God's commandments!

    Love you!

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  4. Oh Ashley, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I won't pretend to fully understand what you're feeling but know that we are praying for you and your adoption process!

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  5. I love your honest heart. We are praying for you two during this process of waiting and transition. Those are two really hard concepts to wait on and understand. Remember, you are doing better than you think you. You're trying and doing the best you can. Love you two SO much!

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  6. I wish I had some super encouraging words for the tough place of waiting y'all are in right now, but in reality nothing I can come up with would satisfy and we both know that. Trust that the Lord is making you both mature and complete in this time so you will be ready for Silas' arrival. One day and one month at a time... and time will fly by! Praying for you.

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  7. Ashley, I so admire your hearts! Thanks for being real about your struggles and please know you're being prayed for here in Slovakia!

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  8. ashley, i'll be praying for you!! thank you so much for being so real - i can't imagine the roller coaster you're on!

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  9. We just hit 19 months waiting. I remember being at 4 months and thinking I was half-way there (at that time the wait was about 8-9 months). Little did I know! The wait is hard - I won't pretend it isn't. There are good days and bad days. But the days pass. Enjoy yourself - enjoy your family and your free time - maybe study Amharic, try something you won't have time for in a few years. I wish you the best during the wait. Whether its this year or next, you will find your child. Hang in there!!!

    All the best,
    Jean
    (S-DC family on FBI)

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  10. love you friend! Thanks for keeping it real. So sorry for the discouraging news - it's always hard/frustrating not knowing what the future holds. Hang in there tho - you never know when things could turn around!

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  11. hi there!

    found your blog through another adoption blog, and couldn't help but relate to your words in this post. we're in the same stage of our adoption, and just the other day i wrote about so many of the same struggles. we're right there with you!

    wishing you peace and persistence during this hard wait.

    with love,
    kristen

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I so love your comments :)